My last words...

Uhm, nothing. I just feel like writing a blog at this very moment. There are lots of thoughts in my mind yet I can pick a single one to start this journal. I cannot utter the thought I want to pick up in my mind. Argh!! I feel so annoyed of myself. Maybe I’ll start it this way.

Life has finally slapped me awake. I finally realized the other emotions around that are waiting for me to enjoy. Letting go, moving on and getting over has never felt so smooth neither easy. But like what I’ve said, it is on us on how we take it. Life isn’t perfect for many of us, yet we still can feel it perfect depending on how we enjoy it. It has lots of things to offer, lots of options and choices and each time we choose, we also took the risk of falling and being hurt so deeply. I can't seem to find my place in this world,no matter how hard I try,no matter how much I give,I always end up alone..and unhappy. I guess until now I have not learned the gift of true and unconditional love..to love someone to the fullest without expecting the same in return..to love and make sacrifices even if it means giving up your own happiness for the sake of your love one..to love and let go if freedom is the only way for them to have the best in life. No,still I am blinded by mere possesiveness,selfishness and greed. For I can only be loved truely when I learn to love myself..I still have a very long way to go..a journey to conquer...

As of now, I am enjoying my life with other things. I found the happiness of my heart in the other options of life. Maybe they are right, they are right that it’s not yet the right time for me to be in love. Who knows? And no one can ever really say so. I am still immature at times, yet I view the points of life maturely so I can go smoothly with the flow. Why would I hinder the flow with such efforts if I can softly feel the warmth of emotions in life?

I feel fine now. I think this is kinda piffle. I’ve written a lot ‘bout my heart. I just want to spill out some thoughts in my mind and feel carefree to utter what’s in my heart. This will be my last post for now on. Please dont keep asking me to update my blog anymore.

Aloha ! ! I'm back ! !

Finally I’m able to stand on my own two feet, clearing my head from all aches and pains from the past; I’m now taking steps towards a better life. This is my new beginning. I won’t let things drag me down anymore. YOU HEAR THAT WORLD!? I will press on. As long as I have determination I can do anything I ever hoped for. Of course I’m still hurting and memories still make me cry, but I’ve realized I can’t forget everything, and that if I did, it would certainly be a mistake. The past made me who I am, if not for what I’ve experienced so far in life who knows what type of person I’d be. I’m still developing emotionally and mentally, so I can’t stand before you today and tell you who I am- for I’m just finding out myself. Suddenly I’ve discovered a new me who’s not afraid to face the cold world with clenched fists AND an open heart, still smiling even though it hurts. Pain may be non-ceasing, and hope can fade fast, but with your support I know I can embrace life and hold on tight.

Not too long ago I wasn't actually living; or rather, I merely existed, doing the same thing day in – day out. I finally realized why I was that way. I had no goal for my life. I was never happy with my life and that is only because I choose not to be happy with it. I realized that you can’t sit on your ass waiting for happiness. It’s out there; you just have to put the effort into finding it. Happiness isn’t easy, but then again what in this world is easy now ‘a days? To me, it’s one of those things that are worth fighting for…

Recently I broke off a serious and long term relationship because I wasn’t ready to tie myself up (I know that is crudely put, but it’s the truth). I have so much life to experience yet; starting a family right now would be a regret later down the road. I don’t want to live my life regretting anything. Regret only causes second thoughts, and the last thing I would want is something to fall apart because of a regret I had. Life without love is harsh, but the reality of it all is that I’ll learn and grow from this.

I know I have a lot of learning about life to do before I can even consider myself to have an ounce of wisdom; and yet I like to think myself wiser than most young guy at my age. I’ve been through a lot in my life that made me grow up a bit more quickly than my peers. But that’s a story for another day.

Absence of a Lunatic...

There’s so many places
With such little time
Let me in your heart, love
I miss you, I cry.

Don’t leave me
Don’t abandon me
Don’t let me be stranded
I’m becoming
A victim of my own mind

Self mutilation
Self hatred
Pity, shame..
Don’t suppress me to these choices

I’m numb
I’m distant
You’re so far away
I’m breathless.. You’re gone
You’re too late

Saving me now
Saving me from myself
You didn’t make it…
My world is taken

Taken by evil
Taken by darkness..
The lunatic inside me
I’ve set him free

You’ll live on
I’ll still be with you
I still miss you
I still cry.

The emptiness is almost whole
The numbness almost felt.
You just didn’t love me enough…
To run through it all..

Your slain wrists
A product of my absence?
Do you cry now, love?
Do you still reminisce?

Does my absence bring tears to your eyes?
The absence of a lunatic…

falling down...

stuff happens. but while some stuff goes away forever, some stays forever. you never will know when that pain will go away, but when it does its as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. but while that pain is there, it is living HELL it doesn't matter what you do even if you're happy, it will be there. even in literal terms,people move on but one will stay behind. and that one is me. if i never loose myself, i might be able to survive. but it feels as if i'm slipping off this mountain i call my life, except, i'm going backwards, instead of falling forwards into the cold waters of grief, i fall backwards not knowing what to expect, or what to hold onto.....

Letting go...

Getting rid of friends who are horrible to you is never a good feeling. Especially when you know it has to be done, even though you have shared a long past together. Some things aren't worth fixing. It's not worth fixing if the people you care about hurt you all the time and then somehow manage to turn it around onto you, if they leave you out of everything they do together, if they look annoyed when you bump into each other. It's these things that hurt the most, and then you realise they aren't your friends anymore. And I think in the long run that makes it easier to let go, because if they hurt you that much they can't have cared about you all that much to begin with.

I'm not a horrible person, I don't do bad things to make them treat me this way, they just do. It's sad, because I was always there for them when they went through bad times. Always. I have my mood swings, but so do they. They swing themselves that hard they almost rip me apart. But the keyword is almost. I'm now smart enough to know it's time to leave, and hurt enough not to care to stay. Sad but true. If you have friends like these, hear me, they aren't friends...

What would YOU do for your friend ?

What would YOU do for your friend if he/she was upset, hurt, angry, or unhappy?I ask this because wanted to know how many of you know the answer to this question. If my friend was in some kind of emotional turmoil I probably would be at a loss as to what to do. The first thing I'd think of doing was giving them a hug. But usually hugs aren't sufficient enough.So...what are some thing you'd do for a friend who was suffering from any kind of emotional pain?

invisible...

Whoever said 'love is blind' is right. You don't see me. You don't hear me. You don't even know I'm there. I want to show you I'm the one for you, but how can I do that when I'm invisible? You follow her like a lost puppy, wandering aimlessly after her. Trying to show her how great you can be. But she doesn't see, for she has the same blindness for you, as you have for me. Is that what love is? One big circle of blindness from one person to another? When you smile at her, I can feel my heart crumble underneath my skin. It's tearing me apart. When you finally notice me, I will be a pile of dirt torn apart and stomped on. But if you look closer, you'll see those foot marks are yours. How can I love the one that hurts me the most? I want to hate you, to feel that anger rise inside of me, my fists clenched. However, when I see you, my heart melts under your beautiful eyes, and my stomach clenches. But you only see her. Her and her short-shorts, not me and my t-shirts. Does popular really beat nice? Does rich really beat poor? Yes, because you just see right through me. I'd like to think fate is on my side but when has it ever been. I am invisible.

too many bad emotions

I just don't know what to write now. I missed a lot of things lately. I feel strange. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's almost as if I'm not myself anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm tired of the feelings I get. I'm a really nice guy, you know? But lately all I've ever been is vicious and mean to the people I love, and love me back. I don't want to be this way, but there's just something that brings the fuck out of me. I get pretty angry easily, even for the littlest things and once I'm pissed that means I'm going to treat you like complete shit. It isn't just me though. Sometimes I do have valid reasons to be angry. The thing that bothers me is the fact that I get angry and when someone asks me why, I seriously don't know what to tell them because I have no reason.






I miss my her. All the time. Every second she's not near me. I don't know if that's normal. I love her. I'm in love with her. I just feel that she deserves much better than me. I have too many issues. Whenever she can't be around me, I'm angry. I'm angry at her, at myself, at the whole damn world. I get this overwhelming feeling, and I feel intensely alone. She's the only one that makes things okay again. She makes me so happy. I wish she was here with me. I probably would be laughing right now instead of drowning in my misery. I guess she's the only one that can heal my broken heart. I'm glad to have her but when she's not around, my world turns upside down. I would tell her that, but I feel so embarassed. It's like I depend on her for happiness and I don't want it to be that way. I want to be independent and right now she's my only happiness but everything is over. It's been a week since our break up. I need to stop for awhile. Stop blogging until I finally found myself back again. I'll be back but I don't know when...